I resonate with this quote from the conclusion of Quiet:
"Whoever you are, bear in mind that appearance is not reality. Some people act like extroverts, but the effort costs them in energy, authenticity, and even physical health. Others seem aloof or self-contained, but their inner landscapes are rich and full of drama. So the next time you see a person with a composed face and a soft voice, remember that inside her mind she might be solving an equation, composing a sonnet, designing a hat. She might, that is, be deploying the powers of quiet."
- Susan Cain
Maybe there's not something wrong with me when I want to be quiet. Maybe there's something right...
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Quiet
Do people think I'm boring? Why can't I think of things to say?
Really, small talk? Can't we just be quiet? Or, if we must talk, can
we talk about things that are meaningful? Do people think I am
interesting and funny or just awkward?
Who knew that all these anxieties and more, which have plagued me since adolescence, might actually be partially caused by the American social construct! According to Susan Cain, author of QUIET: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, it is within the past 100 or so years that the American Culture has made a shift from the Culture of Character to the Culture of Personality.
What does this mean exactly?
In the past Americans focused on character: attributes such as citizenship, duty, work, honor, morals, manners, integrity were admired and pursued. Advice manuals talked of how to develop inner character and studied the lives of people like Abraham Lincoln. However, with the rise of a new economy in the early 1900's, people began to move into cities, leaving behind the communities that knew them. Here arose a new breed of man who was supposed to "make a good first impression" in order to get a job among strangers. He has to be able be to sell new products and sell himself.
New guides and books for business men encouraged them to work on being magnetic, attractive, dominant, forceful, energetic, and fascinating. Dale Carnegie was in his prime teaching everyone everywhere how to win friends and influence people. Interestingly, it was in the 1920's and 30's that America began to be obsessed with movie stars.
Extroversion was valued and rewarded, introversion was seen as a disease to be cured. Extroversion and everything external- appearance, personality, clothing- became the measure of a man.
Consequently, it was also during the 1920's that psychology began to develop the idea of the "Inferiority Complex." Parenting articles began giving suggestions of to help their children overcome shyness and develop "winning personalities." Shy or quiet children were believed to to have a problem that needed to be solved.
It is not difficult to trace the trajectory of those early years into today. Image is everything. Personality, being bigger than life, fun, witty, interesting, and always having the right thing to say are valued over quiet, thoughtful, introversion.
Needless to say, this cultural preference for extroversion, personality, and attractiveness has led to anxiety for many causing us to constantly self-analyze and self-doubt. Is it okay that I want to read a book at home instead of be out every night of the week? Is it okay that sometimes I just don't want to talk? Is something wrong with me because I like to be alone sometimes? Am I a bad person because I don't want to make small talk?
Thus far, Cain's book has provided a bit of grace for my soul. It has let me know that we have not always lived in an extroverted, appearance driven society.
Within a day of reading the history of "The Rise of the Mighty Likeable Fellow" in Cain's book, a verse in Colossians seemed to offer an alternative to "dressing to impress" and it said nothing of the need to always have the witty thing to say or the perfect outfit:
I am saying that our culture tends to value extroverted, flashy, impressive, beautiful personalities and people as the best and only valid mode of expression. But it hasn't always. And in this land of personality and the constant anxiety to impress, there is only One whom we should seek to please.
And as Andrew and I, two introverted, not very flashy people, wait for to hear from RUF, I am trying to remind myself that the personalities we each have are the ones that God chose for us. Or, as Andrew reminds me, " Jesus did not come to change our personalities, but to redeem them."
This gives my self-doubting heart a bit of rest.
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Who knew that all these anxieties and more, which have plagued me since adolescence, might actually be partially caused by the American social construct! According to Susan Cain, author of QUIET: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, it is within the past 100 or so years that the American Culture has made a shift from the Culture of Character to the Culture of Personality.
What does this mean exactly?
In the past Americans focused on character: attributes such as citizenship, duty, work, honor, morals, manners, integrity were admired and pursued. Advice manuals talked of how to develop inner character and studied the lives of people like Abraham Lincoln. However, with the rise of a new economy in the early 1900's, people began to move into cities, leaving behind the communities that knew them. Here arose a new breed of man who was supposed to "make a good first impression" in order to get a job among strangers. He has to be able be to sell new products and sell himself.
New guides and books for business men encouraged them to work on being magnetic, attractive, dominant, forceful, energetic, and fascinating. Dale Carnegie was in his prime teaching everyone everywhere how to win friends and influence people. Interestingly, it was in the 1920's and 30's that America began to be obsessed with movie stars.
Extroversion was valued and rewarded, introversion was seen as a disease to be cured. Extroversion and everything external- appearance, personality, clothing- became the measure of a man.
Consequently, it was also during the 1920's that psychology began to develop the idea of the "Inferiority Complex." Parenting articles began giving suggestions of to help their children overcome shyness and develop "winning personalities." Shy or quiet children were believed to to have a problem that needed to be solved.
It is not difficult to trace the trajectory of those early years into today. Image is everything. Personality, being bigger than life, fun, witty, interesting, and always having the right thing to say are valued over quiet, thoughtful, introversion.
Needless to say, this cultural preference for extroversion, personality, and attractiveness has led to anxiety for many causing us to constantly self-analyze and self-doubt. Is it okay that I want to read a book at home instead of be out every night of the week? Is it okay that sometimes I just don't want to talk? Is something wrong with me because I like to be alone sometimes? Am I a bad person because I don't want to make small talk?
Thus far, Cain's book has provided a bit of grace for my soul. It has let me know that we have not always lived in an extroverted, appearance driven society.
Within a day of reading the history of "The Rise of the Mighty Likeable Fellow" in Cain's book, a verse in Colossians seemed to offer an alternative to "dressing to impress" and it said nothing of the need to always have the witty thing to say or the perfect outfit:
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony . Colossians 3: 12-14There it is: Put on character, put on love and patience and kindness. Put on Christ.
Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 1 Peter 3:3-4
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is fleeting,I am not saying that small talk is never of value or that desiring to be quiet sometimes is an excuse to not be friendly or kind. Not at all! God's word calls us to kindness and outreach and service.
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30
I am saying that our culture tends to value extroverted, flashy, impressive, beautiful personalities and people as the best and only valid mode of expression. But it hasn't always. And in this land of personality and the constant anxiety to impress, there is only One whom we should seek to please.
And as Andrew and I, two introverted, not very flashy people, wait for to hear from RUF, I am trying to remind myself that the personalities we each have are the ones that God chose for us. Or, as Andrew reminds me, " Jesus did not come to change our personalities, but to redeem them."
This gives my self-doubting heart a bit of rest.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
2013 Book List
Here is a list of books I read in 2013.
Classics
Jane Eyre- Charlotte Bronte
Evangelism
Case for a Creator- Lee Strobel
Questioning Evangelism- Randy Newman
Current Issues
Amusing Ourselves to Death- Neil Postman
Adolescent Lit.
Monster in the Hollows- Andrew Peterson
North! Or Be Eaten- Andrew Peterson
On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness- Andrew Peterson
Divergent- Veronica Roth
The Mark of Athena- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune- Rick Riordan
Inheritance- Christopher Paolini
Artemis Fowl- Eoin Colfer
* Andrew and I love the Andrew Peterson series. If you are looking for a series to read out loud as a family, this is the one!
Marriage, Family, and Relationships
Don't Make Me Count to Three- Ginger Plowman
Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti- Bill and Pam Farrel
Bringing up Bébé- Pamela Drukerman
Boundaries With Teens- John Townsend
Boundaries- Henry Cloud and John Townsend
* I laughed all the way through Bringing Up Bebé. An American woman finds herself married to a Scottish man and living in Paris. After they have their first baby, she begins to realize that French mothers and French babies are very different than their American counterparts. Why are French babies able to sleep though the night by three or weeks of age? How are French toddlers able to sit peacefully at the dinner table, allowing their parents to enjoy conversation together?
Personal Growth
Feminine Appeal- Carolyn Mahaney
Nothing Is Impossible With God- Rose Marie Miller
The Envy of Eve- Melissa Kruger
The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness- Tim Keller
* The Envy of Eve was an eye opening book revealing how much and how often I covet. I covet things, relationships, talents, life situations. These, however, are just symptoms of a deeper problem: Lack of trust in God's goodness and God's sovereignty.
Classics
Jane Eyre- Charlotte Bronte
Evangelism
Case for a Creator- Lee Strobel
Questioning Evangelism- Randy Newman
Current Issues
Amusing Ourselves to Death- Neil Postman
Adolescent Lit.
Monster in the Hollows- Andrew Peterson
North! Or Be Eaten- Andrew Peterson
On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness- Andrew Peterson
Divergent- Veronica Roth
The Mark of Athena- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune- Rick Riordan
Inheritance- Christopher Paolini
Artemis Fowl- Eoin Colfer
* Andrew and I love the Andrew Peterson series. If you are looking for a series to read out loud as a family, this is the one!
Marriage, Family, and Relationships
Don't Make Me Count to Three- Ginger Plowman
Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti- Bill and Pam Farrel
Bringing up Bébé- Pamela Drukerman
Boundaries With Teens- John Townsend
Boundaries- Henry Cloud and John Townsend
* I laughed all the way through Bringing Up Bebé. An American woman finds herself married to a Scottish man and living in Paris. After they have their first baby, she begins to realize that French mothers and French babies are very different than their American counterparts. Why are French babies able to sleep though the night by three or weeks of age? How are French toddlers able to sit peacefully at the dinner table, allowing their parents to enjoy conversation together?
Personal Growth
Feminine Appeal- Carolyn Mahaney
Nothing Is Impossible With God- Rose Marie Miller
The Envy of Eve- Melissa Kruger
The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness- Tim Keller
* The Envy of Eve was an eye opening book revealing how much and how often I covet. I covet things, relationships, talents, life situations. These, however, are just symptoms of a deeper problem: Lack of trust in God's goodness and God's sovereignty.
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