Do people think I'm boring? Why can't I think of things to say?
Really, small talk? Can't we just be quiet? Or, if we must talk, can
we talk about things that are meaningful? Do people think I am
interesting and funny or just awkward?
Who knew that all
these anxieties and more, which have plagued me since adolescence, might
actually be partially caused by the American social construct!
According to Susan Cain, author of
QUIET: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking,
it is within the past 100 or so years that the American Culture has
made a shift from the Culture of Character to the Culture of
Personality.
What does this mean exactly?
In the past
Americans focused on character: attributes such as citizenship, duty,
work, honor, morals, manners, integrity were admired and pursued.
Advice manuals talked of how to develop inner character and studied the
lives of people like Abraham Lincoln. However, with the rise of a new
economy in the early 1900's, people began to move into cities, leaving
behind the communities that knew them. Here arose a new breed of man
who was supposed to "make a good first impression" in order to get a job
among strangers. He has to be able be to sell new products and sell
himself.
New guides and books for business men encouraged them
to work on being magnetic, attractive, dominant, forceful, energetic,
and fascinating. Dale Carnegie was in his prime teaching everyone
everywhere how to win friends and influence people. Interestingly, it
was in the 1920's and 30's that America began to be obsessed with movie
stars.
Extroversion was valued and rewarded, introversion was
seen as a disease to be cured. Extroversion and everything external-
appearance, personality, clothing- became the measure of a man.
Consequently, it was also during the 1920's that psychology began to
develop the idea of the "Inferiority Complex." Parenting articles began
giving suggestions of to help their children overcome shyness and
develop "winning personalities." Shy or quiet children were believed to
to have a problem that needed to be solved.
It is not
difficult to trace the trajectory of those early years into today.
Image is everything. Personality, being bigger than life, fun, witty,
interesting, and always having the right thing to say are valued over
quiet, thoughtful, introversion.
Needless to say, this cultural
preference for extroversion, personality, and attractiveness has led to
anxiety for many causing us to constantly self-analyze and self-doubt.
Is it okay that I want to read a book at home instead of be out every
night of the week? Is it okay that sometimes I just don't want to
talk? Is something wrong with me because I like to be alone sometimes?
Am I a bad person because I don't want to make small talk?
Thus far, Cain's book has provided a bit of grace for my soul. It has
let me know that we have not always lived in an extroverted, appearance
driven society.
Within a day of reading the history of "The
Rise of the Mighty Likeable Fellow" in Cain's book, a verse in
Colossians seemed to offer an alternative to "dressing to impress" and
it said nothing of the need to always have the witty thing to say or the
perfect outfit:
Put on then, as God's chosen ones,
holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness,
and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint
against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so
you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds
everything together in perfect harmony . Colossians 3: 12-14
There it is: Put on character, put on love and patience and kindness. Put on Christ.
Do
not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting
on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be
the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle
and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 1 Peter 3:3-4
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is fleeting,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30
I
am not saying that small talk is never of value or that desiring to be
quiet sometimes is an excuse to not be friendly or kind. Not at all!
God's word calls us to kindness and outreach and service.
I am
saying that our culture tends to value extroverted, flashy, impressive,
beautiful personalities and people as the best and only valid mode of
expression. But it hasn't always. And in this land of personality and
the constant anxiety to impress, there is only One whom we should seek
to please.
And as Andrew and I, two introverted, not very
flashy people, wait for to hear from RUF, I am trying to remind myself
that the personalities we each have are the ones that God chose for us.
Or, as Andrew reminds me, " Jesus did not come to change our
personalities, but to redeem them."
This gives my self-doubting heart a bit of rest.
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