laughter

He was longing for a son to give an inheritance to, but almost a century had passed and there was still no heir.  Yet the Lord spoke to him, saying, "Count the stars....so shall your offspring be."

It was thought that she was too old, that she would never be able to have children.  She laughed in disbelief at the idea of bearing a son in her old age.  Yet Yahweh Himself asked her, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?"

God had promised.

They waited.  Time passed.  They stumbled in unbelief and tried to bring about the promise through their own wisdom and means.

Then, at the exact time that God had indicated, a son was born.  He was named Isaac, Yitzhak, laughter.  Though God seemed late and His promise seemed far off, He proved Himself faithful.  Laughter of disbelief became laughter of joy. 

Father, bring us the laughter of joy as we wait and trust in you.  Your timing is perfect and your promises are true.  There is nothing too difficult for you!

gentle

Today I went to the dentist.  Not my favorite way to spend an hour, but definitely worth it to not end up with cavities.  I've only had one in my life.....and I want to keep it that way!  

As the hygienist  began poking and scraping I let her know that my bottom teeth were pretty sensitive and that my jaw had been hurting a little bit lately.  "I understand," she said, "I've had that before too."  

What followed was one of the most gentle, relaxing teeth cleanings of my life.  I almost fell asleep in the chair.  In my half-awake state I wondered why she was so gentle when other hygienists have been pretty rough, attacking my teeth as if they had some vendetta against them.  The answer came quickly:  She has been there.  She knows.  Her own past tooth pain caused her to have compassion on my teeth.  

We have been studying Hebrews in our women's Sunday School at church.  One of the most comforting passages in these past few weeks has been:

In bringing many sons and daughters to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the pioneer of their salvation perfect through what he suffered.  Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters.  
He says,
   “I will declare your name to my brothers and sisters;
   in the assembly I will sing your praises.”
 And again,
   “I will put my trust in him.”
   And again he says,
   “Here am I, and the children God has given me.”
Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham’s descendants. For this reason he had to be made like them, fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.  Hebrews 2:9-18

Jesus himself suffered and was tempted.  He became like us in every way.  He has felt our pain.  He knows suffering and anguish.  He has been there.  Because of this we can trust Him to gently lead us and we can come to Him and find mercy in our time of need. 

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Hebrews 4:14-16

Praying that my gentle Shepherd would lead me...

1. Savior, like a shepherd lead us, 
 much we need thy tender care; 
 in thy pleasant pastures feed us, 
 for our use thy folds prepare. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 Thou hast bought us, thine we are. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 Thou hast bought us, thine we are. 

2. We are thine, thou dost befriend us, 
 be the guardian of our way; 
 keep thy flock, from sin defend us, 
 seek us when we go astray. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 Hear, O hear us when we pray. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 Hear, O hear us when we pray. 

3. Thou hast promised to receive us, 
 poor and sinful though we be; 
 thou hast mercy to relieve us, 
 grace to cleanse and power to free. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 We will early turn to thee. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 We will early turn to thee. 

4. Early let us seek thy favor, 
 early let us do thy will; 
 blessed Lord and only Savior, 
 with thy love our bosoms fill. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 Thou hast loved us, love us still. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 Thou hast loved us, love us still.

so live your life...

Today was a perfect day for a run at Latta and some celebratory dollar tacos from Q'doba with a few of my favorite girls.  Delish!

live the life you live

After helping SJ parallel park her car, I decided that a photo of her owl and the girls in the background would be a good way to commemorate the fun day.  I snapped the shot and posted it to instagram.  Only after posting did I realize that I had misquoted the owl in the picture, writing instead, " Live the life you live."

At first I was frustrated that I misquoted, but then the accidental quote began to work itself into my heart.  Maybe a life well lived isn't always the way I have planned or dreamed or thought (the life I love).  Perhaps it is instead the life God has already given (the life I live).  Maybe a life well lived is found in fully and faithfully living in the circumstances and provisions He brings for the day  Maybe I need to love the life I live instead of constantly trying to live the life I think I love....

Wherever you are be all there. - Some wise person

I often use this quote to chide my friends when they incessantly check their cell phones.  But how often am I truly present?  How often do I experience the fullness of what is right in front of me instead of wishing for something different or something better?

Thanks is what multiplies joy and makes any life large. -1000 Gifts, Ann Voskamp

All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given us. - Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien

Maybe a life fully and faithfully lived is truly present in each moment and thankful for what God has already given.  So today I am thankful for the life I live that includes...
- dollar tacos
- parallel parking
- unusually warm winter days
- guacamole
- well seasoned chips
- reminiscing
- trail runs
- big hills
- tall socks
- splashing in mud puddles
- accidental quotes
- fun photos
- unexpected phone calls
- laughter
- tears
- notes lovingly written
- notes lovingly received

perfect conditions

It was a gray, chilly, overcast day in late October.   The sky was threatening rain, and the clouds seemed ready to burst in to showers at any moment.  There were grumblings from the runners about the cool temperatures and the possible rain.

As we parked the bus, I looked up at the sky and thought about what to tell them before the race.  Something motivational.  Something important.  Something that would encourage them and help them run their best race.

Thinking about the weather conditions and the impending race, I realized that it is not the warm, sunny days that the best races are run.  It is gray, chilly days.  It is when the conditions seem the worst that they are actually the best.

I wondered if it is also true that when the conditions in our lives seem the worst that perhaps they are actually the best.  Maybe it is when everything seems a mess that we find ourselves in the perfect situation to see God at work.  Maybe this is the place where He is most glorified. 

It is true of the cross.  Christ didn't come when we had it together the most.  No, He came to rescue us when we were at our worst.

 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. ~ Romans 5:6  

Almost every runner had a personal best that day...

2011 Book List

2011 Book List

28. One Thousand Gifts- Ann Voskamp
27. Changes that Heal- Henry Cloud
26. Raggamuffin Gospel- Brennan Manning
25. From Fear to Freedom- Rose Marie Miller
24. Mockingjay- Suzanne Collins
23. Catching Fire- Suzanne Collins
22. The Hunger Games- Suzanne Collins
21. A Praying Life- Paul Miller
20. Brisngr- Christoper Paolini
19. Eldest- Christopher Paolini
18. Eragon- Christopher Paolini
17. Cesar's Way- Cesar Millan
16. Hinds Feet on High Places- Hannah Hurnard
15. Green- Ted Dekker
14. White- Ted Dekker
13. Red- Ted Dekker
12. Black- Ted Dekker
11. Prodigal God- Tim Keller
10. That Hideous Strength- CS Lewis
9. Perelandra- CS Lewis
8. Out of the Silent Planet- CS Lewis
7. Heaven on Earth-Stephen Nichols
6. Freedom of Simplicity- Richard Foster
5. Eats, Shoots, and Leaves- Lynne Truss
4. The War of Art-Steven Pressfield
3. Blue Like Jazz- Donald Miller
2. Loving People- Dr. John Townsend
1. How People Grow- Drs. Henry Cloud & James Townsend

aprons and chili

As I tie the apron strings around my waist, my mind imagines forward.  Thoughts of family.  A family I have yet to know.  A husband, children, a giant table with plenty of seats for a big family and for the friends who drop by unexpectedly to visit.

But today I tie on my apron and make chili not for my future family.  I make chili for my friends.  They are my now family.  I love when they come and sit around my table.  When they tell cheesy jokes.  When we all laugh so hard that our bellies hurt.  I love seeing the faces smile and the eyes sparkle with the delight of being together.  Of sharing life.

Though I hope for future things, there is so much joy to be had now.  Lord, let me live well now.  Today let me put on thankfulness for what is and wait with hope for what is yet to be.

"Forever is composed of nows." -Emily Dickinson

"Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."-Jim Eliot

Be still

Driving down the interstate, I crossed over Lake Norman just as the sun was beginning to rise.  The reddish orange sky contrasted against the blues and purples of the morning clouds.

At the same moment, a thought began to rise in my heart.  It then burst into my mind quick and bright against the dark clouds that had been filling my mind for months.  Months of spinning, planning, plotting, striving, trying to understand.

"I don't have to figure it out!" shouted the thought gleefully.  My whole mind was filled with light and unexpected joy and freedom.  Peace, be still.  I laughed aloud.

I don't have to figure it out.  It is not mine to figure out.  I don't HAVE to worry, as if all my thoughts and analyzing, rehashing, and contriving could really control anything.  No,  I can rest and trust.  Peace, be still.  Be still and know that He is God.  He has already figured it out, and He will do it.

 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
   “In repentance and rest is your salvation,
   in quietness and trust is your strength,
   but you would have none of it." 
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
   therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
   Blessed are all who wait for him! Isaiah 30:15, 18

far from home...

I feel it.  My friends feel it.  Each time disappointment strikes or dreams crumble.  In every experience of loss or grief.  In those quiet moments of longing and ache.

Something inside of us cries out, "This can't be right!  This isn't how it was supposed to be."

To the cry comes the testimony of scripture:

For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.  We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. ~ Romans 8.

 And the words of fellow sojourners:

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. ~ CS Lewis

 We are not at home here.

But there is hope.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us...For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. ~ Romans 8

 Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

with seed to sow

I have cried more in the past 4 months than I have cried probably in my entire life.  Tears of disappointment, tears of longing, tears of hope, tears of feeling loved, tears of feeling alone, tears of fear, tears of brokenness, tears of stubbornly holding on to what I think I want, tears of loss, tears of renewal....so many tears.  They come almost daily.  They come unexpectedly.  They come.

And this is my hope:

Those who sow with tears
   will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
   carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
   carrying sheaves with them.  Psalm 126:5-6

 

The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope’s a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow

And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

It’s from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what’s lost will be found again

And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine

black hole

I'd never felt this way before.  It was as if I were looking into a gaping, black hole, the deepest of all holes...infinite.  The hole yawned larger and larger, hungry, begging, demanding to be filled.    I was desperate to fill up the hole before its hunger consumed me, devoured me.  Frantic, I began to cram things into it: friendships, fun activities, service, work, family, sleep, food, but there is nothing on this earth that can fill up a hole that is infinite.

Overwhelmed, exhausted, despairing I realized that my efforts were futile.  There is only one thing that can satisfy the infinite hole of my human heart: the infinite love of an infinite God.

But if I am honest with myself, I often want everything else more than I want the infinite God.  Why?  Because I wonder if He is truly good, if He is truly enough.  I realize that I cannot do this on my own, love Him I mean.  He must do it in me.   

I believe, help my unbelief. 

What is impossible with man is possible with God, and He is able to do abundantly more than we can even ask or think, even fill up the hole.

For this reason I kneel before the Father,  from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.  Ephesians 3:14-21

Me quiero enamorar

¿Cuanto tiempo tardará?
¿O no es para todos?
¿Por qué de mí se esconderá?
¿Dónde está?
Quiero amar y sin pensar entregarlo todo
Quiero que mi corazón intercambie su lugar con el de alguien especial
Quiero despertar, te quiero encontrar y me quiero enamorar
- Jesse & Joy

mirror

a kind mirror
are the eyes of a friend
reflecting the heart
the beauty within

filled with sorrow
when tears they see
crinkled with laughter
when joy rings out free

my words

My hands are full of words for you
I hold them tightly to my chest
I poured them from my heart for you
But can't let you see them yet

I'm afraid that you might love me more
more than I can bear
but I'm not ready to love you, friend
I have not the confidence to dare

You see, my heart's still sleeping
not long from now it may awake
right now it lives in dreams
where it longs and hopes and aches

ready for this to be true

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.- mumford and sons

God moves in mysterious ways

Hymn by William Cowper

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

hope.

hope.
it is growing in me again
forward only
there is no backward
no looking in the past
there is nothing there
the captain, my leader, my king leads me on
my heart trembles at the unknown
but I know my king's heart
it is for me
He longs to be gracious towards me

trust.
what does trust look like?
quietness
ceasing striving
thankfulness
open hands
open heart
submission
confidence

rest.
my king is sovereign and good
my heart waits on Him
I try not to run ahead
but follow where He leads
rest
for my heart, my soul, my mind
the future is well tended
but it is not mine to know
the one who knows it guards me in His hand.

thankful

Things I am thankful for...
- the little house in the hood
- my roommate
- friends
- the silver bullet
- bonfires
- worship
- Christ
- Uptown church
- a purposeful job
- my family
- good health
- students who make me laugh
- God's patience with me
- encouraging notes from former students
- hard things
- Riley cat purring
- coffee in the mornings
- fall mornings
- true words

manna

Worry.  Anxiety.  Angst.  Fear.

Choking. Strangling. Debilitating.

God has not intended me to live this way.  Worrying about the future.  Projecting all the things that could happen or not.  Playing out scenes on the screen of my mind. 

Instead He invites me to trust.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  But I know that today the Lord gives me manna.  'What is it?" the Israelites asked.  Exactly!  What is it?  Every day it is something different, but it is exactly what the my Heavenly Father intended for that day.  Just that day.  And tomorrow I will have to trust Him again.  And again He will provide.

Manna the Lord has provided me with lately:

Friendships.  Friends who listen.  Friends who love.  Friends who are present.  Friends who pray.   

Family.  Families from school who invite me into their homes and invite me to ride with them to weddings.  Families who let me sit with them at Cross Country dinners so I don't have to sit alone. 

Students.  Students who make me laugh.  Students who say kind things.  

Laughter.  Much laughter. 

Psalm 16
⁵ LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;
   you make my lot secure.
⁶ The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
   surely I have a delightful inheritance.  

Matthew 7
⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.    ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 

Exodus 16
 ⁴ Then the LORD said to Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day.

wooly worms

This past weekend some friends and I went camping near Linville Falls, North Carolina.  It was a beautiful weekend.  The leaves in the mountains have already turned beautiful shades of red, orange and yellow.  The temperature was warm during the day, but chilly at night...perfect for huddling around a bonfire.

One of the highlights of the weekend was the Wooly Worm Festival in Banner Elk.  None of us was sure exactly what a wooly worm was until we found one crawling around our campsite.  It is not the most beautiful worm I have ever seen, but it was cute.

As I was holding the worm, whom we named either Wanda or Wilfred or William Wallace, I found myself saying to it, "It would be so sad if you stayed a worm forever."  As I said this my heart caught up in my throat and I realized I was talking to myself.  I have been feeling particularly wormy lately.  Wanting to be different but finding myself the same.  Doing the same things I always do.  Thinking the same thoughts I always think.

Last night my roommate and a friend and I were sitting around my table and somehow the wooly worms came up in conversation.  I told them about how sad I felt at the thought that a wooly worm might stay a worm for life.  All of a sudden I felt desperate to know if the worm was actually a caterpillar.  "I don't want to be a worm.  I want to fly," I shouted.  I couldn't look it up fast enough.

 I burst into tears as I discovered that indeed, the Wooly Worm is actually a caterpillar.  It is the larva of the Isabella Tiger Moth.  Hope!  Sweet hope flooded over me.  Knowing that the worm was going to become something else one day was encouragement to my overwhelmed heart.

The next day I was listening to Beth Moore and something she said made me realize that I still did not have it quite right, though.  The thing is, I am not a worm at all.  The Lord has already made me a new creation.    I don't have to live like worm anymore.  "Become what you already are," a friend said to me recently.

My favorite part is that Isabella, the name of the moth, means "God's promise" or "My God is a oath."

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23 

You make me new, you are making me new. ~ Beautiful Things by Gungor

"adventures"

All smiles!  The SLCAXC team post race- with a little planking and owling action.

We had another SLCA Cross Country "adventure" yesterday.  We have had many adventures this year: an interesting encounter with a swat team, being chased by a storm, bus not starting, bus breaking down on 485, forgotten shoes, monsoon conditions at invitational meet.  We seem to attract "adventures."

Yesterday was no different.  The meet at this school had been cancelled once already because the course was under water.  We arrived to the meet and it was cold and rainy.  We were all wondering why the school didn't just cancel the meet a second time.   Everyone was freezing and wet.  The tent was leaking water all over the book bags.  The guy who was supposed to be scoring the meet was late, so we had to wait longer.  10+ kids had fallen in the mud during the middle school race; one had twisted her ankle.

There was much grumbling and complaining and discontent.  "Why are we even running this race?"

Race time!

One hill was so steep and slippery the runners had to use their hands to pull themselves up.  One girl lost a shoe. The same girl fell.  They slid in the mud.  Someone else fell.  Mud splashed up their backs.  Water soaked their shoes and blinded their eyes.  But they ran. 

Then the surprise came.

As each runner finished the race they were smiling!  "Best race ever, coach!"  They all laughed and compared battle stories.  They cheered on the rest of their teammates coming in.  For the last three runners they even made a tunnel.  I just laughed with them.  Everyone was so joyful.

Today at practice we read James 1:2-3

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I think the joy came from persevering under trial.  In the beginning they were grumbling about the race.  The conditions were not ideal.  But they persevered, and in the end they matured as runners.

We are also running a race...a really long one called life.  The conditions are not always ideal, but maybe it is just another "adventure;" one that is meant for our good and God's glory.  Lord, let me see trials as your grace testing my faith to make me mature and complete, not lacking anything.