Longing and old furniture

I don't understand it.  What is the ache, the longing I feel when I see old furniture?

This past week I found myself winding through the furniture department of the Salvation Army.  My finger trailed along the arms of various chairs.  Old dresser drawers were pulled open and inspected.  Tables and chairs were transported into the dining room in my imagination.

Then, unexpectedly, my heart began to ache.  I found myself longing for family and for home: husband and children around a big old farm table, house cozy and welcoming, a garden colorful with fresh fruits and vegetables.  I ached for history and connectedness to the past: family traditions passed down, the smell of grandmother's old furniture, stories of ancestors from distant lands.  Then I longed for old things to be made new: old dressers painted in fresh colors, discarded picture frames rescued and re-purposed, Victorian silver platters polished and proudly displayed.

Perhaps this ache is for something yet to come.

In Christ-  We have a family and a home, and one day we will all feast with our King.  We have a glorious history connected to all the faithful saints who have gone before us.  And we have the promise of everything old being remade and renewed.

⁷ Let us rejoice and exult
    and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
    and his Bride has made herself ready;
⁸ it was granted her to clothe herself
    with fine linen, bright and pure”—

for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

⁹ And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.”  Rev. 19:7-10

The bucket (again)

I am needing to re-remind myself that there is an end to me:  I can only handle so much, do so much, be in so many places at once, and that is okay.  And after I am done with that "so much," rest is good and necessary.

Today after school I plopped down, exhausted, for my daily nap.  As soon as the covers were pulled up, the guilt began to pile on.  Slanderous, unkind accusations of laziness and sloth filled my head: "Shouldn't you be grading?  Shouldn't you be more productive?  Why are you such a bum?"

As I talked to my mom later in the evening and began to describe these thoughts, tears filled my eyes.  I believe the accusations in my mind.  In fact, I let them bully and coerce me into to taking on more responsibilities and activities.  Then my mom kindly reminded me about the bucket...the little bucket that can only handle as much water as a little bucket is made for.  Thanks, mom, for reminding me (again) that you can't fit 10 gallons of water in a 5 gallon bucket.

The Bucket
A five gallon bucket
is all that I am
though I shove and I push
trying always to cram
more and more in my life
than can actually fit
til the bucket's too full
and starting to split

A small trickle begins
just droplets at first
til the bucket is bulging
and ready to burst
at the seams though it seems
it can hold it all in
but this bucket is made
for five gallons not ten.

2012 Books

Well, this is sad!  My 2012 book list was very short. Here's hoping that 2013 will be better!!
12. The Lost Hero- Rick Riordan
11. A Praying Life- Paul Miller
10. Ink Heart- Cornelia Funke
9. Holes-Louis Sachar
8. To Kill a Mockingbird- Harper Lee
7. Monster in the Hollows- Andrew Peterson
6. The Mother Tongue- Bill Bryson
5. North! Or Be Eaten- Andrew Peterson
4. On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness- Andrew Peterson
3. Your Money Counts- Howard Dayton
2. The Meaning of Marriage- Tim Keller
1. The Gifts of the Child Christ and Other Stories and Fairy Tales- George MacDonald (read some, but not all of his short stories)

I think I need to include that I read A LOT of Spanish poetry this summer as well: Neruda, Bécquer, Martí, Darío, Storni and others :)

The picture and the truth

I picture myself cool, calm, collected.  Unafraid and unaffected.  Unmoved and unmovable.  Head held high, confident.  Serene, peaceful.

But I am none of these, and the picture is, well...only a picture.  I am, as someone recently said, "flappable".  Easily affected, moody, emotional. Agitated and anxious.  Worried, stressed.  Anything and everything but peaceful.

I am not sure how to be different.  Why do so many things, both external and internal, have the power to affect my mood?  To make me happy or sad.  I don't like it.  My emotions are too much in charge, my mind often unchecked.

This cannot be.

Needing rest, peace...

⁵ For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
    for my hope is from him.
⁶ He only is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
⁷ On God rests my salvation and my glory;
    my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

⁸ Trust in him at all times, O people;
    pour out your heart before him;
    God is a refuge for us. Selah              Psalm 62:5-8

sweetly

Kiss me sweetly
while we're young
in spring green
and golden sun
underneath fresh fallen dew
seeds of love now brightly bloom

Hold my hand
when we are old
in gray winter
frosty, cold
still hearth fire inside glows warm
love snuggled close 'gainst snowy storm

Fall friends

There is nothing new under the sun. And so my mind turns again to thinking of life in terms of the changing of the seasons. I love the fall. I have been longing for Fall. Warmish days and cool evenings. Crunchy leaves and warm drinks. Pumpkins and corn mazes. Bonfires and toasty marshmallows.

But fall always comes with a cost, with loss, with an ending.  The weather cools, the days shorten, leaves fall.  I have been longing for the season of life in which I now find myself, but at the same time I am experiencing the shifting seasons of friendships.  A fuller schedule and changed time commitments make it difficult to spend time with friends.  Some friends have moved away. Others have changed churches. Still others have had their own life changes or made choices that have taken us along different paths.

I love the fall, but I am grieving the loss of summer. I am enjoying being married, but I grieve the loss/transition/change of so many friendships all at once.

But this, like so many others, is just a season.  So let those leaves fall! I will enjoy the season as it is:  beautiful death, leaves red, orange, and yellow, making room for something new.   The trees won't always be bare;  I am hopeful for a future spring.  Friendships revived or new ones birthed.

too far away...

All my closest friends live too far away!  California, Wisconsin, Tennessee, South Charlotte, Statesville.....Why can't everyone just live close by?  Like on my block.  I want to walk over to your house and come in without knocking on the door.  I want to take walks with you and hear how your week has been.  I want to bake you cookies and bring them over just because.  I want us to have a TV night every Thursday to watch our favorite shows and laugh together.  I want backyard bonfires and game nights.  Shared meals and shared lives.  I want to see you at church on Sunday, every Sunday.  I want to be in Life Group with you and study God's word.  I want to live life with you.  Everyday life.  Why are you so far away?

the answer

HIS presence is the answer to all my fears...

 “When you go out to war against your enemies, and see horses and chariots and an army larger than your own, you shall not be afraid of them, for the Lord your God is with you, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt... let not your heart faint. Do not fear or panic or be in dread of them,  for the Lord your God is he who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give you the victory.’ - Deuteronomy 20:1-4

 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.  - Joshua 1:9

 But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
 For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
 Because you are precious in my eyes,
    and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
    peoples in exchange for your life.
 Fear not, for I am with you;  -Isaiah 43:1-5

“Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.”  - Mark 6:50

They shall call his name Immanuel, (which means, God with us). - Matthew 1:23

again

Hard to believe that we are already two and a half months into the school year.  Our first quarter has just ended, we had parent/teacher conferences this week, cross country will be over in one more week.

The beginning of this school year has been more difficult that most.  I find myself overwhelmed quickly and I feel like I am not able to do anything well---planning, grading, disciplining, teaching, etc.  Coaching seems an impossible task.  We have almost 50 runners and only 1 coach.  I never feel like I am enough for them....workouts should be better, quality time with each runner rarely happens, we don't have devotions often enough.

Guess I will have to ask the Lord for help... again...

It seems the Lord is having to remind me over and over  (and over and over and over) that I can do nothing on my own.  And even when  feel like nothing is what I would like it to be, He is still at work.

So I ask for help and He does.  He loves to help. He loves to be glorified through answered prayer.  A particular student has been frustrating to deal with, so I try in my own strength to get her "in line."  It doesn't work.  I ask for my Father's help and strength and wisdom and things begin to change.  My heart changes toward her.  I feel more patient, but also more confident to love through discipline.  Her demeanor changes.  She tells me she is trying to not be as disruptive.

Why do I always start in my own strength?  My memory of my own ability is far too short.

Apart from me you can do nothing...
John 15:5

a liar and thief

Fear, you are a thief and a liar.

You treat me like a child, turning the bedroom dresser of day into the monster of night.  Turning happy moments anxious with the flip of a switch.  Shrouding in darkness truth and goodness.  You are shadowy, menacing, false.   May the light reveal who you truly are!

Liar and thief,
you are the great cheat
strangling peace         
choke, worry, and grief.            

Angst you bring,
you false old thing,
you twist and distort
best plans often thwart.

Masquerader of light,
you skulk through the night
whispering, false-
doom, dispair, loss.

You kill and destroy
and with falsehood employ
your counterfeit words
dark, carrion birds.

Stop! Enough!
You have been rebuffed.
You're a sham, straw man,
in truth light cannot stand.

tardona

Un poema de siempre llegar tarde..

Tardona soy
tarde voy
por la vida
yo ando vencida
por el reloj
el viejo mandón
que siempre me manda
corre, Trish, anda

Dependence Day

Happy 4th of July, everyone!  (well, actually, I started this post on the 4th, and I am just now finishing it).

I give up. I surrender.  It is time to hoist the white flag. I am tired of being independent.  Too long have I been relying on my own shallow wells of wisdom and and strength.  Too long trusting in my own resources, my own talents.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.  - John 15:5

This morning I was struck again with how needy I am, even in the seemingly little things in life.  I can't sit still to spend time reading the Word.  I struggle to stay focused to get important things done.  I avoid things I don't know how to do or don't feel like doing and end up letting people down. I can't organize my time well to save my life.  I'm grouchy and unloving, impatient and self-serving even though I don't want to be.

In A Praying Life, Paul Miller reminds us to as little children, acknowledging our desperate need of our heavenly Father.

Jesus does not say, “Come to me, all you who have learned how to concentrate in prayer, whose minds no longer wander, and I will give you rest.” No, Jesus opens his arms to his needy children and says, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” The criterion for coming to Jesus is weariness. Come overwhelmed with life. Come with your wandering heart. Come messy.

It is interesting that the words humble and human come from the same root word, humus, meaning dirt.  It is a good reminder that we come from dust and end as dust.  We come with nothing and leave with nothing.  Everything we do have comes from our Creator.  We are the created and by definition, we are dependent on the Creator to create, to sustain, to provide for us.  The only appropriate response is humility and dependence.  We are always in the position of need and receiving.

So, in honor of the 4th of July, I would like to use today not to declare my independence, but to declare my dependence.  Apart from me you can do nothing...

beautiful

Kindness is always beautiful.

This phrase has often been in my thoughts the past few days.  My 32nd birthday was last month, and I find myself checking the mirror more frequently, wondering if I look older, wondering if my clothes fit funny, wondering why my face still breaks out like I'm in middle school, wondering if I'm beautiful.

I am thankful that there is a beauty, a true beauty that never fades.  Father, help me to wear these:

Love.

Godliness.

Humility.

Faithfulness.

Gentleness.

Compassion.

Patience.

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. 1 Peter 3:3-5

Christ is always beautiful.  Let us put on Christ. 

let love grow here

This spring I have tried sprucing up the front yard a bit.  I pulled weeds and trimmed bushes.  I planted a rose bush and some friendly looking little blue flowers to welcome me home each day.

The roses, the little flowers, and the not so well trimmed bushes are lovely, but the plant that captures my heart is the tree that lives in the corner of my front yard close to the street.  I don't know what kind of tree it is.  I just call it the heart tree.  It branches out wide, but not tall.  In the early spring it has sweet little pinkish purple buds.  Later the buds are replaced with pods that remind me of peas.   The pods, newly fallen, spring up quickly filling my yard with seedlings.  Everywhere the pods fall, little heart shaped sprouts grow.  Then, finally, the blooms and pods disappear altogether to give way to hand-sized heart-shaped leaves, full and verdant.

The heart tree has turned into a prayer.  A prayer that love would grow in my home.  That it would flourish like a tree by streams of water.  That my home would be a place of shade and joy and comfort and rest.  That whoever enters would feel loved and be filled with love to give others.

Father, let the love of Christ grow here.

Love that glowed from it like firelight from its windows at night. 
- On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness, Andrew Peterson

true strength

I saw her stand up and take her place today.  The place had always been hers, but she had not always claimed it as her own.  Perhaps she didn't believe that she deserved it.  Or maybe she did not believe herself able to fill shoes that seemed so big.  But today she did, and she radiated with glory, strength, and beauty.  The shoes to fill were her own all along.  Today she did what she was created to do. 

Her children arise and call her blessed. Proverbs 31:28

plant hope

My good friend Christina recently gave me a gift.  The card that was attached to it read, "For planting hope..."

by streams of water

at Jetton Park in Cornelius

Thinking of some of my favorite verses this morning.

Jeremiah 17
 ⁷ “But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
   whose confidence is in him.
⁸ He will be like a tree planted by the water
   that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
   its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
   and never fails to bear fruit.”

Isaiah 61
³ They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor.  

Psalm 1
¹ Blessed is the man
   who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
   or sit in the seat of mockers.
² But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
   and on his law he meditates day and night.
³ He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
   which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
   Whatever he does prospers.
 ⁴ Not so the wicked!
   They are like chaff
   that the wind blows away.
⁵ Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
   nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
 ⁶ For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
   but the way of the wicked will perish.

night storms

I love the sight of the flashing light
splitting, brightening tumultuous night.

I love the sound of thunder claps
bowling, rolling, thunderous smack.

I love the feel of the falling rain
renewing, reviving, refreshing again.

spring

borrowed hope

planted shallow

in rich ground

lying fallow

summer, fall

blooms awaited

nothing yet

hope abated

winter cold

roots digging deep

the quiet ground

a secret keeps

spring green

blooms bursting forth

richer, lovelier

than ever hoped

that ship has sailed

The word "no" is a powerful, wonderful word.  Why?  Because it means "yes" to so many other things.

Here are some no's that I am thankful for (some I had to say, and some that were said to me):
- No from a school in Mexico where I wanted to teach English.  Yes to one more in year in Charlotte, teaching, coaching, and serving.
- No to a roommate. Yes to my niece and nephew who came to stay with me some last summer.
- No to a busy schedule. Yes to space for deeper friendships with fewer people.
- No to my plans and "building my own house."  Yes to the Lord's plans and seeing what HE can do.
- No to worry.  Yes to rest!!