aprons and chili

As I tie the apron strings around my waist, my mind imagines forward.  Thoughts of family.  A family I have yet to know.  A husband, children, a giant table with plenty of seats for a big family and for the friends who drop by unexpectedly to visit.

But today I tie on my apron and make chili not for my future family.  I make chili for my friends.  They are my now family.  I love when they come and sit around my table.  When they tell cheesy jokes.  When we all laugh so hard that our bellies hurt.  I love seeing the faces smile and the eyes sparkle with the delight of being together.  Of sharing life.

Though I hope for future things, there is so much joy to be had now.  Lord, let me live well now.  Today let me put on thankfulness for what is and wait with hope for what is yet to be.

"Forever is composed of nows." -Emily Dickinson

"Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."-Jim Eliot

Be still

Driving down the interstate, I crossed over Lake Norman just as the sun was beginning to rise.  The reddish orange sky contrasted against the blues and purples of the morning clouds.

At the same moment, a thought began to rise in my heart.  It then burst into my mind quick and bright against the dark clouds that had been filling my mind for months.  Months of spinning, planning, plotting, striving, trying to understand.

"I don't have to figure it out!" shouted the thought gleefully.  My whole mind was filled with light and unexpected joy and freedom.  Peace, be still.  I laughed aloud.

I don't have to figure it out.  It is not mine to figure out.  I don't HAVE to worry, as if all my thoughts and analyzing, rehashing, and contriving could really control anything.  No,  I can rest and trust.  Peace, be still.  Be still and know that He is God.  He has already figured it out, and He will do it.

 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
   “In repentance and rest is your salvation,
   in quietness and trust is your strength,
   but you would have none of it." 
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
   therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
   Blessed are all who wait for him! Isaiah 30:15, 18

far from home...

I feel it.  My friends feel it.  Each time disappointment strikes or dreams crumble.  In every experience of loss or grief.  In those quiet moments of longing and ache.

Something inside of us cries out, "This can't be right!  This isn't how it was supposed to be."

To the cry comes the testimony of scripture:

For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.  We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. ~ Romans 8.

 And the words of fellow sojourners:

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. ~ CS Lewis

 We are not at home here.

But there is hope.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us...For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. ~ Romans 8

 Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

with seed to sow

I have cried more in the past 4 months than I have cried probably in my entire life.  Tears of disappointment, tears of longing, tears of hope, tears of feeling loved, tears of feeling alone, tears of fear, tears of brokenness, tears of stubbornly holding on to what I think I want, tears of loss, tears of renewal....so many tears.  They come almost daily.  They come unexpectedly.  They come.

And this is my hope:

Those who sow with tears
   will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
   carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
   carrying sheaves with them.  Psalm 126:5-6

 

The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope’s a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow

And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

It’s from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what’s lost will be found again

And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine

black hole

I'd never felt this way before.  It was as if I were looking into a gaping, black hole, the deepest of all holes...infinite.  The hole yawned larger and larger, hungry, begging, demanding to be filled.    I was desperate to fill up the hole before its hunger consumed me, devoured me.  Frantic, I began to cram things into it: friendships, fun activities, service, work, family, sleep, food, but there is nothing on this earth that can fill up a hole that is infinite.

Overwhelmed, exhausted, despairing I realized that my efforts were futile.  There is only one thing that can satisfy the infinite hole of my human heart: the infinite love of an infinite God.

But if I am honest with myself, I often want everything else more than I want the infinite God.  Why?  Because I wonder if He is truly good, if He is truly enough.  I realize that I cannot do this on my own, love Him I mean.  He must do it in me.   

I believe, help my unbelief. 

What is impossible with man is possible with God, and He is able to do abundantly more than we can even ask or think, even fill up the hole.

For this reason I kneel before the Father,  from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.  Ephesians 3:14-21

Me quiero enamorar

¿Cuanto tiempo tardará?
¿O no es para todos?
¿Por qué de mí se esconderá?
¿Dónde está?
Quiero amar y sin pensar entregarlo todo
Quiero que mi corazón intercambie su lugar con el de alguien especial
Quiero despertar, te quiero encontrar y me quiero enamorar
- Jesse & Joy

mirror

a kind mirror
are the eyes of a friend
reflecting the heart
the beauty within

filled with sorrow
when tears they see
crinkled with laughter
when joy rings out free