The picture and the truth

I picture myself cool, calm, collected.  Unafraid and unaffected.  Unmoved and unmovable.  Head held high, confident.  Serene, peaceful.

But I am none of these, and the picture is, well...only a picture.  I am, as someone recently said, "flappable".  Easily affected, moody, emotional. Agitated and anxious.  Worried, stressed.  Anything and everything but peaceful.

I am not sure how to be different.  Why do so many things, both external and internal, have the power to affect my mood?  To make me happy or sad.  I don't like it.  My emotions are too much in charge, my mind often unchecked.

This cannot be.

Needing rest, peace...

⁵ For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
    for my hope is from him.
⁶ He only is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
⁷ On God rests my salvation and my glory;
    my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

⁸ Trust in him at all times, O people;
    pour out your heart before him;
    God is a refuge for us. Selah              Psalm 62:5-8

sweetly

Kiss me sweetly
while we're young
in spring green
and golden sun
underneath fresh fallen dew
seeds of love now brightly bloom

Hold my hand
when we are old
in gray winter
frosty, cold
still hearth fire inside glows warm
love snuggled close 'gainst snowy storm

Fall friends

There is nothing new under the sun. And so my mind turns again to thinking of life in terms of the changing of the seasons. I love the fall. I have been longing for Fall. Warmish days and cool evenings. Crunchy leaves and warm drinks. Pumpkins and corn mazes. Bonfires and toasty marshmallows.

But fall always comes with a cost, with loss, with an ending.  The weather cools, the days shorten, leaves fall.  I have been longing for the season of life in which I now find myself, but at the same time I am experiencing the shifting seasons of friendships.  A fuller schedule and changed time commitments make it difficult to spend time with friends.  Some friends have moved away. Others have changed churches. Still others have had their own life changes or made choices that have taken us along different paths.

I love the fall, but I am grieving the loss of summer. I am enjoying being married, but I grieve the loss/transition/change of so many friendships all at once.

But this, like so many others, is just a season.  So let those leaves fall! I will enjoy the season as it is:  beautiful death, leaves red, orange, and yellow, making room for something new.   The trees won't always be bare;  I am hopeful for a future spring.  Friendships revived or new ones birthed.

too far away...

All my closest friends live too far away!  California, Wisconsin, Tennessee, South Charlotte, Statesville.....Why can't everyone just live close by?  Like on my block.  I want to walk over to your house and come in without knocking on the door.  I want to take walks with you and hear how your week has been.  I want to bake you cookies and bring them over just because.  I want us to have a TV night every Thursday to watch our favorite shows and laugh together.  I want backyard bonfires and game nights.  Shared meals and shared lives.  I want to see you at church on Sunday, every Sunday.  I want to be in Life Group with you and study God's word.  I want to live life with you.  Everyday life.  Why are you so far away?

the answer

HIS presence is the answer to all my fears...

 “When you go out to war against your enemies, and see horses and chariots and an army larger than your own, you shall not be afraid of them, for the Lord your God is with you, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt... let not your heart faint. Do not fear or panic or be in dread of them,  for the Lord your God is he who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give you the victory.’ - Deuteronomy 20:1-4

 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.  - Joshua 1:9

 But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
 For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
 Because you are precious in my eyes,
    and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
    peoples in exchange for your life.
 Fear not, for I am with you;  -Isaiah 43:1-5

“Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.”  - Mark 6:50

They shall call his name Immanuel, (which means, God with us). - Matthew 1:23

again

Hard to believe that we are already two and a half months into the school year.  Our first quarter has just ended, we had parent/teacher conferences this week, cross country will be over in one more week.

The beginning of this school year has been more difficult that most.  I find myself overwhelmed quickly and I feel like I am not able to do anything well---planning, grading, disciplining, teaching, etc.  Coaching seems an impossible task.  We have almost 50 runners and only 1 coach.  I never feel like I am enough for them....workouts should be better, quality time with each runner rarely happens, we don't have devotions often enough.

Guess I will have to ask the Lord for help... again...

It seems the Lord is having to remind me over and over  (and over and over and over) that I can do nothing on my own.  And even when  feel like nothing is what I would like it to be, He is still at work.

So I ask for help and He does.  He loves to help. He loves to be glorified through answered prayer.  A particular student has been frustrating to deal with, so I try in my own strength to get her "in line."  It doesn't work.  I ask for my Father's help and strength and wisdom and things begin to change.  My heart changes toward her.  I feel more patient, but also more confident to love through discipline.  Her demeanor changes.  She tells me she is trying to not be as disruptive.

Why do I always start in my own strength?  My memory of my own ability is far too short.

Apart from me you can do nothing...
John 15:5

a liar and thief

Fear, you are a thief and a liar.

You treat me like a child, turning the bedroom dresser of day into the monster of night.  Turning happy moments anxious with the flip of a switch.  Shrouding in darkness truth and goodness.  You are shadowy, menacing, false.   May the light reveal who you truly are!

Liar and thief,
you are the great cheat
strangling peace         
choke, worry, and grief.            

Angst you bring,
you false old thing,
you twist and distort
best plans often thwart.

Masquerader of light,
you skulk through the night
whispering, false-
doom, dispair, loss.

You kill and destroy
and with falsehood employ
your counterfeit words
dark, carrion birds.

Stop! Enough!
You have been rebuffed.
You're a sham, straw man,
in truth light cannot stand.

tardona

Un poema de siempre llegar tarde..

Tardona soy
tarde voy
por la vida
yo ando vencida
por el reloj
el viejo mandón
que siempre me manda
corre, Trish, anda

Dependence Day

Happy 4th of July, everyone!  (well, actually, I started this post on the 4th, and I am just now finishing it).

I give up. I surrender.  It is time to hoist the white flag. I am tired of being independent.  Too long have I been relying on my own shallow wells of wisdom and and strength.  Too long trusting in my own resources, my own talents.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.  - John 15:5

This morning I was struck again with how needy I am, even in the seemingly little things in life.  I can't sit still to spend time reading the Word.  I struggle to stay focused to get important things done.  I avoid things I don't know how to do or don't feel like doing and end up letting people down. I can't organize my time well to save my life.  I'm grouchy and unloving, impatient and self-serving even though I don't want to be.

In A Praying Life, Paul Miller reminds us to as little children, acknowledging our desperate need of our heavenly Father.

Jesus does not say, “Come to me, all you who have learned how to concentrate in prayer, whose minds no longer wander, and I will give you rest.” No, Jesus opens his arms to his needy children and says, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” The criterion for coming to Jesus is weariness. Come overwhelmed with life. Come with your wandering heart. Come messy.

It is interesting that the words humble and human come from the same root word, humus, meaning dirt.  It is a good reminder that we come from dust and end as dust.  We come with nothing and leave with nothing.  Everything we do have comes from our Creator.  We are the created and by definition, we are dependent on the Creator to create, to sustain, to provide for us.  The only appropriate response is humility and dependence.  We are always in the position of need and receiving.

So, in honor of the 4th of July, I would like to use today not to declare my independence, but to declare my dependence.  Apart from me you can do nothing...

beautiful

Kindness is always beautiful.

This phrase has often been in my thoughts the past few days.  My 32nd birthday was last month, and I find myself checking the mirror more frequently, wondering if I look older, wondering if my clothes fit funny, wondering why my face still breaks out like I'm in middle school, wondering if I'm beautiful.

I am thankful that there is a beauty, a true beauty that never fades.  Father, help me to wear these:

Love.

Godliness.

Humility.

Faithfulness.

Gentleness.

Compassion.

Patience.

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. 1 Peter 3:3-5

Christ is always beautiful.  Let us put on Christ. 

let love grow here

This spring I have tried sprucing up the front yard a bit.  I pulled weeds and trimmed bushes.  I planted a rose bush and some friendly looking little blue flowers to welcome me home each day.

The roses, the little flowers, and the not so well trimmed bushes are lovely, but the plant that captures my heart is the tree that lives in the corner of my front yard close to the street.  I don't know what kind of tree it is.  I just call it the heart tree.  It branches out wide, but not tall.  In the early spring it has sweet little pinkish purple buds.  Later the buds are replaced with pods that remind me of peas.   The pods, newly fallen, spring up quickly filling my yard with seedlings.  Everywhere the pods fall, little heart shaped sprouts grow.  Then, finally, the blooms and pods disappear altogether to give way to hand-sized heart-shaped leaves, full and verdant.

The heart tree has turned into a prayer.  A prayer that love would grow in my home.  That it would flourish like a tree by streams of water.  That my home would be a place of shade and joy and comfort and rest.  That whoever enters would feel loved and be filled with love to give others.

Father, let the love of Christ grow here.

Love that glowed from it like firelight from its windows at night. 
- On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness, Andrew Peterson

true strength

I saw her stand up and take her place today.  The place had always been hers, but she had not always claimed it as her own.  Perhaps she didn't believe that she deserved it.  Or maybe she did not believe herself able to fill shoes that seemed so big.  But today she did, and she radiated with glory, strength, and beauty.  The shoes to fill were her own all along.  Today she did what she was created to do. 

Her children arise and call her blessed. Proverbs 31:28

plant hope

My good friend Christina recently gave me a gift.  The card that was attached to it read, "For planting hope..."

by streams of water

at Jetton Park in Cornelius

Thinking of some of my favorite verses this morning.

Jeremiah 17
 ⁷ “But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
   whose confidence is in him.
⁸ He will be like a tree planted by the water
   that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
   its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
   and never fails to bear fruit.”

Isaiah 61
³ They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor.  

Psalm 1
¹ Blessed is the man
   who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
   or sit in the seat of mockers.
² But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
   and on his law he meditates day and night.
³ He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
   which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
   Whatever he does prospers.
 ⁴ Not so the wicked!
   They are like chaff
   that the wind blows away.
⁵ Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
   nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
 ⁶ For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
   but the way of the wicked will perish.

night storms

I love the sight of the flashing light
splitting, brightening tumultuous night.

I love the sound of thunder claps
bowling, rolling, thunderous smack.

I love the feel of the falling rain
renewing, reviving, refreshing again.

spring

borrowed hope

planted shallow

in rich ground

lying fallow

summer, fall

blooms awaited

nothing yet

hope abated

winter cold

roots digging deep

the quiet ground

a secret keeps

spring green

blooms bursting forth

richer, lovelier

than ever hoped

that ship has sailed

The word "no" is a powerful, wonderful word.  Why?  Because it means "yes" to so many other things.

Here are some no's that I am thankful for (some I had to say, and some that were said to me):
- No from a school in Mexico where I wanted to teach English.  Yes to one more in year in Charlotte, teaching, coaching, and serving.
- No to a roommate. Yes to my niece and nephew who came to stay with me some last summer.
- No to a busy schedule. Yes to space for deeper friendships with fewer people.
- No to my plans and "building my own house."  Yes to the Lord's plans and seeing what HE can do.
- No to worry.  Yes to rest!!

with

The greatest gift I have been given lately is the gift of presence, of being with.

A sweet friend has invited me to spend time with her and her family several times over the last few months.  She prefaced the invitation with, "our house is a mess, but we would love to have you."  The mess was overlooked.  We ate dinner, played games, danced in the living room, listened to two boys sing 'Be a Man" from Mulan.  We laughed, we prayed, we talked, we cried, we hoped together. Presence.  With.

In the fall another friend offered several times to just come sit with me when I was feeling sad.  Not necessarily to talk or to offer advice.  Just to be.  With.

On Tuesdays some students and I go run and sometimes get tacos.  What a joy to run, to talk, to plan, to laugh.  To be.  With.

It is all these people being "with" that have comforted my soul.  We have walked together. Shared life together.  Lived.  With.

It is the gift that God has given us.  Emmanuel, God WITH us.  He has not left us as orphans, but has given us a counselor.  The Holy Spirit.  With.

This gift has been given to me, but it is also mine to give.  Ours to give.

With.

So we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well.  1 Thessalonians 2:8

laughter

He was longing for a son to give an inheritance to, but almost a century had passed and there was still no heir.  Yet the Lord spoke to him, saying, "Count the stars....so shall your offspring be."

It was thought that she was too old, that she would never be able to have children.  She laughed in disbelief at the idea of bearing a son in her old age.  Yet Yahweh Himself asked her, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?"

God had promised.

They waited.  Time passed.  They stumbled in unbelief and tried to bring about the promise through their own wisdom and means.

Then, at the exact time that God had indicated, a son was born.  He was named Isaac, Yitzhak, laughter.  Though God seemed late and His promise seemed far off, He proved Himself faithful.  Laughter of disbelief became laughter of joy. 

Father, bring us the laughter of joy as we wait and trust in you.  Your timing is perfect and your promises are true.  There is nothing too difficult for you!

gentle

Today I went to the dentist.  Not my favorite way to spend an hour, but definitely worth it to not end up with cavities.  I've only had one in my life.....and I want to keep it that way!  

As the hygienist  began poking and scraping I let her know that my bottom teeth were pretty sensitive and that my jaw had been hurting a little bit lately.  "I understand," she said, "I've had that before too."  

What followed was one of the most gentle, relaxing teeth cleanings of my life.  I almost fell asleep in the chair.  In my half-awake state I wondered why she was so gentle when other hygienists have been pretty rough, attacking my teeth as if they had some vendetta against them.  The answer came quickly:  She has been there.  She knows.  Her own past tooth pain caused her to have compassion on my teeth.  

We have been studying Hebrews in our women's Sunday School at church.  One of the most comforting passages in these past few weeks has been:

In bringing many sons and daughters to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the pioneer of their salvation perfect through what he suffered.  Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters.  
He says,
   “I will declare your name to my brothers and sisters;
   in the assembly I will sing your praises.”
 And again,
   “I will put my trust in him.”
   And again he says,
   “Here am I, and the children God has given me.”
Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham’s descendants. For this reason he had to be made like them, fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.  Hebrews 2:9-18

Jesus himself suffered and was tempted.  He became like us in every way.  He has felt our pain.  He knows suffering and anguish.  He has been there.  Because of this we can trust Him to gently lead us and we can come to Him and find mercy in our time of need. 

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Hebrews 4:14-16

Praying that my gentle Shepherd would lead me...

1. Savior, like a shepherd lead us, 
 much we need thy tender care; 
 in thy pleasant pastures feed us, 
 for our use thy folds prepare. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 Thou hast bought us, thine we are. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 Thou hast bought us, thine we are. 

2. We are thine, thou dost befriend us, 
 be the guardian of our way; 
 keep thy flock, from sin defend us, 
 seek us when we go astray. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 Hear, O hear us when we pray. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 Hear, O hear us when we pray. 

3. Thou hast promised to receive us, 
 poor and sinful though we be; 
 thou hast mercy to relieve us, 
 grace to cleanse and power to free. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 We will early turn to thee. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 We will early turn to thee. 

4. Early let us seek thy favor, 
 early let us do thy will; 
 blessed Lord and only Savior, 
 with thy love our bosoms fill. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 Thou hast loved us, love us still. 
 Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! 
 Thou hast loved us, love us still.

so live your life...

Today was a perfect day for a run at Latta and some celebratory dollar tacos from Q'doba with a few of my favorite girls.  Delish!

live the life you live

After helping SJ parallel park her car, I decided that a photo of her owl and the girls in the background would be a good way to commemorate the fun day.  I snapped the shot and posted it to instagram.  Only after posting did I realize that I had misquoted the owl in the picture, writing instead, " Live the life you live."

At first I was frustrated that I misquoted, but then the accidental quote began to work itself into my heart.  Maybe a life well lived isn't always the way I have planned or dreamed or thought (the life I love).  Perhaps it is instead the life God has already given (the life I live).  Maybe a life well lived is found in fully and faithfully living in the circumstances and provisions He brings for the day  Maybe I need to love the life I live instead of constantly trying to live the life I think I love....

Wherever you are be all there. - Some wise person

I often use this quote to chide my friends when they incessantly check their cell phones.  But how often am I truly present?  How often do I experience the fullness of what is right in front of me instead of wishing for something different or something better?

Thanks is what multiplies joy and makes any life large. -1000 Gifts, Ann Voskamp

All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given us. - Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien

Maybe a life fully and faithfully lived is truly present in each moment and thankful for what God has already given.  So today I am thankful for the life I live that includes...
- dollar tacos
- parallel parking
- unusually warm winter days
- guacamole
- well seasoned chips
- reminiscing
- trail runs
- big hills
- tall socks
- splashing in mud puddles
- accidental quotes
- fun photos
- unexpected phone calls
- laughter
- tears
- notes lovingly written
- notes lovingly received

perfect conditions

It was a gray, chilly, overcast day in late October.   The sky was threatening rain, and the clouds seemed ready to burst in to showers at any moment.  There were grumblings from the runners about the cool temperatures and the possible rain.

As we parked the bus, I looked up at the sky and thought about what to tell them before the race.  Something motivational.  Something important.  Something that would encourage them and help them run their best race.

Thinking about the weather conditions and the impending race, I realized that it is not the warm, sunny days that the best races are run.  It is gray, chilly days.  It is when the conditions seem the worst that they are actually the best.

I wondered if it is also true that when the conditions in our lives seem the worst that perhaps they are actually the best.  Maybe it is when everything seems a mess that we find ourselves in the perfect situation to see God at work.  Maybe this is the place where He is most glorified. 

It is true of the cross.  Christ didn't come when we had it together the most.  No, He came to rescue us when we were at our worst.

 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. ~ Romans 5:6  

Almost every runner had a personal best that day...

2011 Book List

2011 Book List

28. One Thousand Gifts- Ann Voskamp
27. Changes that Heal- Henry Cloud
26. Raggamuffin Gospel- Brennan Manning
25. From Fear to Freedom- Rose Marie Miller
24. Mockingjay- Suzanne Collins
23. Catching Fire- Suzanne Collins
22. The Hunger Games- Suzanne Collins
21. A Praying Life- Paul Miller
20. Brisngr- Christoper Paolini
19. Eldest- Christopher Paolini
18. Eragon- Christopher Paolini
17. Cesar's Way- Cesar Millan
16. Hinds Feet on High Places- Hannah Hurnard
15. Green- Ted Dekker
14. White- Ted Dekker
13. Red- Ted Dekker
12. Black- Ted Dekker
11. Prodigal God- Tim Keller
10. That Hideous Strength- CS Lewis
9. Perelandra- CS Lewis
8. Out of the Silent Planet- CS Lewis
7. Heaven on Earth-Stephen Nichols
6. Freedom of Simplicity- Richard Foster
5. Eats, Shoots, and Leaves- Lynne Truss
4. The War of Art-Steven Pressfield
3. Blue Like Jazz- Donald Miller
2. Loving People- Dr. John Townsend
1. How People Grow- Drs. Henry Cloud & James Townsend